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thinking of him Friday, March 16, 2007 3/16/2007 01:37:00 PM / top

i wanted so much to escape.
lets throw away our heart and leave to another world.
will u escape with me?
i dont know how i'm feeling right now.
just that these few days i feel like lazing at home and be alone.
went to my grandmother's house yst to have my dinner.
then to realise tt i miss her and my innocent childhood so much.
the happy days when nth really bothers me.
i have all the time to play, to scream to run.
everything is now so different.
even the playground, the road tt i use to cycle is no longer there.
amk has changed so much.
I dont recognise this place anymore.
not anymore.

i feel like staying over at my grandmother's house for one week.
leave my phone at home.
go to the big macdonald in the park alone at midnight.
sleep with my grandmother.
feel her presence.
watch borign teevee dramas
let fond childhood memories rush through my mind.

14/03/07 8.31pm
Out in the day, the sun fails to shine through me.
I can pretend how much I dont care, that it dont really bother me.
I almost thought tt i really dont care anymore.
When night falls, my tears flow along with it.
My heart ache and is screaming with terror.
I wish you will run over to me , shake me vigorously
and tell me that everything is alright now
I'm just having a nightmare.

but why am i wishing for smth that is not possible anymore.
Time will heal the wound and seal the memories but when will that time come?

15/03/07 2.15am
I just dreamt of him.
He sat beside me and put his hand around my waist like he always does.
The feeling is just so familiar and warm.
Few weeks ago, nina put her hand around my waist
and i pushed her hand away with fear.
It reminded me of him.
His way of showing that he loves me.
My heart race, it made me realised that i have lost him
hes no longer mine.

In my dream, I wanted to ask him why did he ignore me all of a sudden.
I woke up with terror and i almost sms him this question.
Then to realise that he gives me cold treatment not all of a sudden,
all along it had been like that and he found nth wrong with it.
The reason he gave me had always be the same
and i dread his answer.
"i'm busy"

This is the day after we officially broke up.
I wonder how he is feeling now
I bet he has never have the taste of being ignore,
but eh will get his retribution like i got mine.
I feel so terrible now to know that he most proabbly feeling alright.
I'm here to accept the cruel truth that i dont really matter to him

16/03/07 2.17pm
i looked through his friendster photo
and he seems so unfamiliar.
do i even really know him?